if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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