And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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