and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
