Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
