i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
