No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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