I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Randomize