But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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