guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
