btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
you traded sex for a burrito?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
