Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
