I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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