i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Randomize
