dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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