Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
