I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Randomize
