so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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