I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
