3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
