Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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