don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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