I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
