He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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