I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
