i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
