So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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