can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
