dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
