someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
