Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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