Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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