I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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