and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize