i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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