I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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