i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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