No stitches, just platelets and will power
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize