I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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