his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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