The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
