Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
