i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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