woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
