I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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