3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
