there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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