i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
