i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
