Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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