I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
