So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
