Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
