omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
