OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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