Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
