I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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