i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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